Guilt

There is a sense of Guilt that rests on me and somedays its worse than others. The guilt of leaving, the one who was saved. The one that didn't have to have a hard life or have to get hurt as a kid to understand and pain. I may not have walked though it all but not until yesterday did it really make sense to me. Talking with one of those I left behind and explaining the the pressure I feel she pointed out that every one of them I unwillfully left needed/needs me to have the strength to be strong so that they can make it. I see that today, in an effort to change my view. They know I didn't chosse to leave them, they know it was for a good reason. They see, I want to be around, they see, I want them. Its hard for others to see this need for their love in my life. After talking with her and sharing my heart I believe that my eyes mow can begin to see it in a new way. I don't want to question the source or the reason any more. I just want us to be together and grow together. So many years have past without them I want to soak in every opportunity I get. I want to rest in the time we have now. I want to enjoy all the moments we can share. Someone told me that God has made me, the head and not the tail, the top and not the bottom. Today I see that they are why that was sais. I am thankful to be able to love them and be their strength. I had to change on my own but now that their time has come I don't want them to have to ever walk through it alone. I would walk through the fire again so they wouldn't have to go it alone. I will do all in my power to not ever let them feel what I did in my lonliness. I know what it is to think you can depend on someone and for them to fail you. I know what it feels like and as much as I can they won't know that sting from me.

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